*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
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30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.