50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My safe word is Worcestershire
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.