Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Whoa 😂
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”