I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Every time my phone rings
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship