me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
#Caturday
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both