Social distancing in Australia:
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Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.