Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
me and my fake scenarios
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire