I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You Might Also Like
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Bless you
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.