coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”