Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Phonetics
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.