Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
This why you should mind your business
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor