How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.