“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
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friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something