Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Woke up against my better judgement again
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |