Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
You Might Also Like
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
That 👊
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I can’t wait!
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.