“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Pikachu found the lost joint
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes