“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I’d hang this in my house.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?