I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
You Might Also Like
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I have a black belt in leather
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.