We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
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21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion