I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Canada has crack?
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Meow
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..