New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.