Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
is this how new cars are made??
my retirement plan is braless
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.