just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
IT’S-A ME,
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real