Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.