Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
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Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.