me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
You Might Also Like
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
At least try to make it slightly believable