I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
brian had himself a morning…
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I feel this so hard
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy