Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
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#Caturday
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.