When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
You Might Also Like
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
The dark side of Canada
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
my dad has had enough
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.