A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?