kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.