Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Overindulged this afternoon.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
o shit
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
broke down and did it
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”