It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
all that yoga finally paid off
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭