Me: how are you
Friday: good
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What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition