Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.