Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
repaired
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.