Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
You Might Also Like
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Attacked by a mop.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.