i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now