Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway