Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
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Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…