I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
live long and prosper!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s