GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams