Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
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[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I have never related to anyone more.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Every work meeting this week
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.