If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
my dad has had enough
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?