“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
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In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
they split up moments later
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.