Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.