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CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.