Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
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She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs: