[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
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My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
A French press is when you hug naked
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My birthstone is kidney
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists