Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
#parenting
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I can’t stop watching this.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?